cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
