i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
