saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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