Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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