So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
