oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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