so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
