my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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