he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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