The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
