Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
do nipples grow back?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
