I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Vodka?
Forever.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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