I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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