I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Randomize
