i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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