I think I died a long time ago.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I'm both gender and math confused
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
