Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
