4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
