I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
