I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
