My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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