Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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