Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
