One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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