is your mom at the bar?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
