Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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