woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Oh god it's open bar.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
