Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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