Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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