i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
