I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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