Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
