they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
