just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
