My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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