The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
