I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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