What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Randomize
