apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
