Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
