i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
