The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'm always down for nudity.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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