What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
