If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
