so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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