3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
