We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
