Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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