Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
