I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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