went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
