I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
